By Diana Zuckerman
(KRT)
Thanksgiving is my favorite family holiday, and like many adults I still think of it as a time to "come home" and see my family. But for many Americans of my generation, the holiday homecomings have changed dramatically. Now we're the "grown-ups," and we're responsible not just for our kids, but sometimes for our parents, too.
For millions of moms and dads in the sandwich generation, it's a bittersweet time. It's wonderful to have children and parents to be with at the holidays. We wouldn't trade that for anything. But it isn't always easy.
Making a great Thanksgiving meal is a real challenge for those of us who don't make these kinds of traditional dinners very often. Although increasing numbers of American families eat out or order in on Thanksgiving, most of us still think we should make dinner the old-fashioned way - by actually cooking it. Although many folks think it's fine to buy some parts of the meal, like cranberry sauce or apple pie, buying sweet potato pudding or stuffing is not within the realm of possibility. Ordering a pre-cooked turkey is blasphemy for many of us.
While we're struggling to be a great homemaker one day a year, our parents want to help, but move very slowly and are sometimes forgetful. They used to do everything for us, and some of them are still trying, but times have changed and now it's our turn to be the one making the meal, clearing the table, and washing the dishes (or at least loading the dishwasher). We're looking after them, in addition to looking after the turkey, and the kids.
Many baby boomers have adolescent children who seem as if they would rather be anywhere other than with their family. Isn't watching TV or playing video games or talking to friends more interesting than sitting around a dinner table? Although every generation has parented a teen (our parents certainly did!) it's a funny situation when you're trying to juggle the responsibilities of an eighth-grade daughter and an 80-year-old dad. I think many of us wish that, like our kids, would could leave the responsibilities to others and just relax. But it probably won't happen this Thanksgiving.
For many of us, the holidays aren't exactly a Norman Rockwell experience.
Even so, there is much to be thankful for, and we can count our blessings despite the imperfections of our own family holiday. Before we start thinking about the challenges of the sandwich generation, let's think about how lucky many of us are.
Millions of adult Americans have no living parents so we're lucky if we still have at least one, and doubly blessed if we have two.
Approximately one in 10 adult Americans have tried to have a child without success. Every year, more than 50,000 families lose a child before his or her 18th birthday. Compared to that, having one or more adolescents at home seems like a blessing, even if it is sometimes well-disguised.
Almost 9 million U.S. adults are unemployed, and many will have a hard time making a holiday meal this year.
So instead of focusing on how hard it is to do it all, gather your family around you - if you can. Try not to expect too much from the day or each other, and appreciate what you have. Tell your kids what you need from them, and then be satisfied when they try to please you. Don't compare your parents to what they used to be, but appreciate them for who they are and what they can still do.
Take advantage of being part of the sandwich generation. We have the benefit of parents who can tell us what life was like in a world that is very different from today. Some have seen nearly a century of war and peace, discoveries, and enjoying and coping with daily life. Take advantage of the technological savvy of the younger generation, and ask your kids to grab the video camera and interview their grandparents. Have your parents talk about the old days, while your children make their very first Thanksgiving "movie." Some day when you most want to hear those stories, there will be nobody to tell them. If you use your video camera now, you will have the stories when you want them, and for future generations.
And for those of us who can't be with our families this year, for whatever reason, find friends in the same situation, and share what you have. Or find the soup kitchen that really needs you.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Diana Zuckerman is president of the National Center for Policy Research for Women & Families, a Washington think tank. She can be reached at dz@center4policy.org, or by writing to National Center for Policy Research for Women & Families, 1901 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Suite 901, Washington, D.C. 20006; Web site: www.center4policy.org.
This essay is available to Knight Ridder/Tribune News Service subscribers. Knight Ridder/Tribune did not subsidize the writing of this column; the opinions are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of Knight Ridder/Tribune or its editors.
© 2003, National Center for Policy Research for Women & Families
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